“CONFRONTATION”

By Shirley M. Carolan

This month really crept up on me and all my good intentions about writing daily seem to have evaporated. I allowed my attention to be diverted to other matters, matters not mundane by any means. Hence, my topic for this Blog got pushed aside.

However, February did bring some important personal growth for me. I share that with you now because you, or someone close to you, may have a faulty perception about the meaning of the word “confrontation.” I know I certainly did. But, little did I know or understand it went back to my childhood! …

Growing up in my home we were never allowed to express ourselves openly and neither were we ever allowed to be sick! If we dared to express how we felt about something or someone we were either punished or ridiculed. Compound that with attending a very strict English Boarding School where the rule was absolute silence, during class, in the halls, and in the dining room, you get some idea of how little we were allowed to voice our thoughts and/or feelings. You might say we didn’t have any feelings, but that’s not true, because to survive in those days we quickly learned to “stuff” our feelings!

Since we could not validate our feelings we never learned how to safeguard ourselves, or defend our beliefs when they were violated by others! This created all kinds of havoc in my life, personally, emotionally, physically, and even professionally. I can’t even begin to share the number of times I discounted myself or felt inferior to others when someone decided to witlessly attack me.

Setting Boundaries

In watching my little Pug/Terrier, Jake, I noticed that he had boundaries … boundaries I quickly learned not to violate! I was so amazed that this little animal would protect himself if I dared to violate any of his boundaries … such as picking up his food bowl if he was not finished eating, and the quick growling response and baring of teeth he would give me. I even wrote a chapter about “Setting Boundaries” in my book “It’s A Dog’s Life.”

Humans are no different when it comes to their feelings and beliefs. If you want to be taken seriously by others you must stand up for yourself regardless of the consequences, even if it means the loss of a friendship! That’s for another article.

Recently, a dear friend said to me “You know Shirley, we are never upset for the reason we think we are!” At some level of awareness I knew that and begrudgingly agreed with her. Later, I would ponder that in more depth. A situation had developed, again, that left me feeling puzzled, hurt, angry and depressed over what I thought were inappropriate comments about me and my performance. I literally took it to heart and decided to withdraw from the scene and lick my wounds. At the same time, I sent a very diplomatic communiqué to the “offender” outlining all the hard work I had put into the project, etc. It was totally ineffective and inappropriate because never once did I tell that person how I actually felt… publicly humiliated!

The lesson had finally clarified itself! In the future, if I want to maintain my integrity, self-esteem, and sanity I need to express my feelings openly and honestly and not be afraid of what the other person might do, or say. To not do so will be a violation of my boundaries! If I do not take this action, the lesson will keep repeating itself,under different circumstances, with different people, until I learn the lesson and transcend it! This means changing a lifetime of ineffective behavior!

Wow, knowledge is power! If you know someone who may be hurting emotionally I hope you will pass this lesson on to them. Why suffer in silence when the answer is so simple. I know I will be tested again, and even again, to be sure I have learned this valuable lesson of letting go of the fear of confronting anyone who has violated my boundaries.

Here’s to our good health!

Shirley M. Carolan, ATMG
Artist ● Speaker ● Writer
artistwithaflair@att.net
Phone/Fax: 760-732-0663
http://www.shirleycarolan.com
http://www.angelscross.blogspot.com
http://www.smcarolan.blogspot.com

Copyright© 2008 by Shirley M. Carolan. All rights reserved. To reprint any part of this article simply contact Shirley Carolan at artistwithaflair@att.net. Thank you.